


The seasons you’ve been gone

by Rinaity



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Timeskip, F/M, FerrisWheelShipping, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Mental Health Issues, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Requited Unrequited Love, Slow To Update, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:35:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28346241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rinaity/pseuds/Rinaity
Summary: N had long since gone, but Hilda remained. Or rather, what remained of Hilda alone in Unova. The seasons changed but she felt stuck.Or, a collection of moments as the seasons of the years passed between the heroes of Unova.
Relationships: N | Natural Harmonia Gropius & Touko | Hilda, N | Natural Harmonia Gropius/Touko | Hilda
Kudos: 6





	The seasons you’ve been gone

Autumn

The wind blistered my face, whipping my hair around from it’s ponytail. Something didn’t sit right in my heart, but in all honesty, that feeling had been around for just under a year. A dark, heavy, lump that slowly sucked the life out of me. The dock was quiet. The sun was rising, ambers caressing the sky with clouds like soft cotton, an endless echo reflecting on the skyscrapers. Wingulls and Pidove screeched, waking the never sleeping city.

Sleepless Castelia. I suppose that resonated with me, after the events almost a year ago I found it difficult to sleep properly. My skin was stained with eye bags I’d acquired. Heroine of truth- that title had grown empty. The truth was that I was so fucking tired. I wiped the collecting sea salt off of my cheeks, flicking it to the damp wooden planks below me with a swift movement. I sighed.

“What have I become…” I mumbled and leaned forward to rest my forehead on the railing. I wasn’t the same Hilda. She had to grow up fast and leave behind her blissful and carefree nature. She became this. Tired. Aching after someone who wouldn’t come back. Undefeated. I wasn’t made for this. The Hilda before the world now was only a shadow of the girl it had known. She was wilful, overtly strong but in fragments. Cursed with panic attacks and insomnia. Overworked by choice. I felt like a blank version of who I was. Save for the shallowing of my skin and dark circles, I looked the exact same.

The coral sky clouded quickly, shadowing the city in grey. Monotony seeping in. Mornings were always beautiful but they fleeted fast. Lifting my head I stared out at liberty island. Could I go on until someone beat me? Being champion was never my dream, it was Cheren’s. What even was my dream when we set out on our adventure? Arceus, I don’t think I even had one, I just wanted to experience the world, follow in the footsteps of my dad. I couldn’t help but think where it all went wrong, or was it always supposed to be this way. In the end I didn’t regret it, I still don’t. I’d do it all again. It was just fate. I couldn’t blame that one day in Accumula. Or even the Ferris wheel in Nimbasa. I haven’t been on it since I went with that one trainer with a fear of heights. It reminded me of something, of someone, of the moment where what I knew began to change. Where I learned we lived in the greys between black and white, never fully tipping to one side or the other.

Rain began to patter down, dripping off of the edge of my cap. Drizzling slowly, growing, until it fell all at once. It was chilled, soaking into my thin clothes within seconds. Despite that, I didn’t want to move. There was no where I wanted to go. No where I wanted to be. I only had Reshiram with me. The others needed rest after training yesterday, Reshiram had rested for millennia. We were on the same page. It was missing it’s black counterpart travelling with the hero of ideals. We searched Unova, and couldn’t find a single trace of them. And despite us, we couldn’t leave Unova either. Responsibilities I had as champion were overwhelming. With a drained and slow release of air, I left the dock.

——

Winter

When Unova glossed over with snow, I traded my cap for a knitted beanie. I hadn’t even noticed the times changing. I had moved out from home, my room had grown strange. It didn’t feel like it was mine. I felt like an invader. Mom didn’t say anything about it. She had helped me find and furnish an apartment in Striaton. We picked it so I could still be close to home, but still far enough to have my own space. A lot of my time when I wasn’t taking care of necessary things was spent in the areas nearby, the dreamyard and the gardens.

I stared at the the water dripping from the fountain in front of me. Lapis, my Samurott, nudged my side. His snout was warm, I could feel it through my parka. I brought a gloved hand from my pocket to rub his neck. He could sense things were changing. Unova was draining me. I felt like a machine for the public eye. Within the year I’d been champion, only six trainers had made it to me, and none of them had won. One of them had been Iris. She was the strongest of the bunch.

I sighed, “Lapis, what am I gonna do…” blues eyes met blue. I gave him a weak smile. I turned my gaze back to the water. Icicles had formed around the edges of the different tiers overnight. I ungloved one my hands and allowed the water to trickle through my fingers. It was freezing, leaving my hand raw to the touch in no time. I was always drawn to water, I still don’t quite understand it. It’s probably why I was drawn to Lapis as my starter, as a little Oshawott full of determination.

Lapis knew me the best out of anyone, even better than Bianca or Cheren. While they grew up with me, Lapis was always with me. He saw the dark and ugly parts as well as the good. He might as well have had telepathy by how well he reads me. We were rarely apart, except for when he was exhausted and in his ball.

He knew I was getting stuck in my head and tugged my hand out of the water, gently biting my sleeve. Said hand was pruned and red. “You’re right Lap, we should go. How about we get lunch somewhere?” I asked and smiled at the blue Pokémon. I slipped my glove back on, and he arfed in agreement.

We sat at an outdoor table in Nacrene city, well, I sat and Lapis lay at my feet with a full stomach. The café wasn’t empty by any means, but certainly not busy. I flicked through different social media apps, sipping on a hot chocolate, Unova news, global news, for once nothing major was popping up. I kept notifications on weather apps so I could see if there were any reports of a dark thundery storm. Just in case.

I’m only torturing myself. Keeping my hopes up that one day, he would come back and I could run to him. I switched off my phone and put it face down on the table. Closing my eyes, I leaned my head back, pointing it to the sky. The more time that goes by, the blurrier the image of him becomes. I could only make out his prominent features, everything intricate was lost.

Kind grey eyes flashed red. I darted my eyes open, releasing a breath I had been holding. Grey sky was all that was above me.

My head was ringing, weighing me down, paralysing me. My leg was shaking. I shut my eyes, trying to think about anything else. The burning heat of Reshiram, the electricity, the fear I felt. Cheren, Bianca, mom, breathe, the professor, Lapis, home, dad, Hilbert, Nuvema, _breathe_ , Bianca, my Pokémon, mom’s hugs, **_breathe_** , travelling, N-

Lapis barked at me, pushing his snout at my neck. His entire upper body on top of me. My cheeks were wet. I blinked a few times before smiling at him. “I’m okay bud, we should probably go, huh? How about home, I don’t feel up for training today. Plus, my schedule is clear! We can watch a movie or two, didn’t pokestar studios release something new?”

He was unconvinced but didn’t protest to those ideas. We found refuge on the couch together watching a drama set in Kalos. A love struck maiden falls in love with the reclusive prince, only brought together by the love between her Sylveon and his Umbreon. It was soft. Lighthearted. Exactly what I needed to be watching. Lapis was asleep on the second large couch. I threw on another movie, something based in Castelia. My breathing level and stable, I fell asleep.

I was running. Surroundings phased in and out, forests, street lights, the beach. Soon they faded out all together, leaving me running alone, scared and lost in the void. I couldn’t stop. It was overwhelming, devouring me. All I could hear was the pounding of blood in my ears. I tried screaming, but nothing came out. My throat was empty and tight, sharp cold pain drove through it. Drowning. Ice riddled through me, freezing my veins, crushing my bones. All I could do was sink and stare up at the soft ripples, only moving when my last bursts of air escaped.

I tried to reach out for something above me that didn’t exist. It was cold. All I could feel was gravity lulling me down, and the clawing at my throat and lungs. My final scream forced water into me. It burned, and only fuelled the ice growing as I watched myself fade into the black.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad. I knew I was dreaming. It felt too real. But I couldn’t wake up. Nothing made sense.

Drowning, suffocating, falling, I was losing this fight. Maybe I had always lost the fight but never admitted it.

Maybe I’d lost more than a fight, or maybe I’d lost myself in the fight.

Who knew.

**Author's Note:**

> Been a while since I’ve written something. I replayed Black over the summer after like 6 years, and needless to say it destroyed me emotionally. Ill update this eventually, might do the same two seasons from N’s point of view.


End file.
